Happy 250th U.S. Army!

The army isn't perfect. It never has been and it never will be, but it made me into the man I am today, so I love it even though I hated it when I was in and couldn't wait for the day till I'd get my DD-214 and would be a civilian again.

I once had the privilege of sitting next to a WWII army vet on a shuttle bus from the airport. He told me not to look up to him because we're the same: we both put the uniform on while our friends stayed home and smoked dope. He also told me that even though he was almost 90 years old, the only thing he ever thought about was the three years he spent in the war. He's surely passed on by now, but his words and his treating me as an equal and as a fellow soldier will always be with me.

250 years ago, the army was made up of patriots from all 13 colonies. There were immigrants from many different nations. There were slaves, and there were freed black men. There were even a few women who disguised themselves as men. A lot has changed in the army over the years. Still, it would be nothing and the United States of America would not exist if it weren't for the most important ingredient, which is a key aspect to any army that has ever marched the earth: the soldier.

This is the first and most likely last post I'll ever make about the army, but you only turn 250 once, right? So, for this special day, I'd like to share the stories of three soldiers I've always looked up to, and I hope you find their stories as inspirational and high-speed as I do.

Ulysses S. Grant

The first soldier I'd like to share with you today is someone who everybody thought was a loser when he was a boy. His own father thought he'd never amount to anything, so he forced him to go to West Point. He was a drunk and a failure at every business he tried to run. When he was a teenager, all he cared about was horses, and he was probably the best rider the army had when he was a junior officer, but in typical army fashion, they wasted his talent and stuck him in the infantry. He would get booted from the army for being drunk all the time, but by the time the Civil War came along and half of the army's talent was putting on the Southern uniform of the grey, the army needed him again, and he didn't let us down. He would rise up the ranks due to his coolness in battle to become the leader of the army, secure the surrender of Robert E. Lee and the Confederacy, and eventually become the President of the United States, only to get scammed out of all his money late in life. In true Grant spirit, he would regain his family's wealth again by writing down his memoirs right before he died.

George S. Patton

Old Blood and Guts was a real soldier's soldier. He was pissing off his superiors from the time he was a 2nd Lieutenant until he was a General. I believe the Cold War and our problems with China we have today would've never happened if we had listened to him back in WWII and kicked their asses back then when we had the advantage and the army over there. He was also a strong believer in reincarnation or the past life. If you've ever read his poem, Through a Glass Darkly, then you know what I mean. In his poem, he talks about remembering being a hunter looking for mammoths, a Roman soldier, being a hero, a thief, and dying in horrible ways. I believe him. Some even say that Donald Trump is the reincarnation of General Patton. Old Blood and Guts died on December 21, 1945, and Donald Trump was born on June 14, 1946, which just happens to be the U.S. Army's birthday. They not only look alike, but have the same aggressive womanizing personality and have a great talent for pissing people off so I have no problem with President Trump having a big army birthday parade and celebration on his birthday because he served over three decades in the army and surely deserves it. Of all of the American Generals I'd love to sit down and drink a keg of beer with, it would be without a doubt General Patton.

Roy Benavidez

The fact that they've never made a Hollywood movie about Master Sergeant Raul Perez Benavidez is an absolute crime. This man is one of the most badass dudes to ever put on the uniform. He was awarded the Medal of Honor and was a Green Beret back in Vietnam, and was even part of the top-secret group called SOG. There are plenty of YouTube videos describing his life and how he was awarded the highest medal in the United States Military, but let's just say he was the real Die Hard. He was so banged up after being shot and stabbed so many times that the doctors thought he was dead. Right before they zipped the body bag over his head, he spat in the doctor's face to let him know he was still alive. When President Ronald Reagan awarded him his medal in 1981, he said that if they ever did make a movie about this guy that no one would believe the script because it was too spectacular.