Between Passion and Survival

You know, when most of us were little, we had dreams of what we wanted to become in life when we grew up. We chose things that we had a passion for. Some of us just chose things our friends liked.
When I was little, they used to call me “small doc” because I had a dream of becoming a neurosurgeon. If you asked me the reason back then, I would say it’s because I wanted to save lives. But looking back, the first person who started calling me a doctor wasn’t me, it was my parents. So I wonder sometimes if that passion I felt back then was really mine or if it was something planted.

But still, it didn’t take too long for me to see life the way it really was. Even before secondary school, I admit I understood a lot of things. I understood what money really was. But I kept on playing along with the “passion” of becoming a doctor. I just saw it genuinely as me flowing with life and going anywhere it led me, as long as it was enough to survive. I had the knowledge that being a neurosurgeon was more than enough, so I aimed for it—or rather, I wanted it.

It was when I couldn’t reach what I wanted and accepted admission into the university to become a medical laboratory scientist that it finally shattered. Then it became strictly survival for me—no more delusion, just survival.
Every time someone comes to the classroom and says, “If your passion is to become a med lab scientist, can I see your hand?” my hands remain down.
Then they ask again, “Was that passion somewhere higher but you couldn’t get it? If so, let me see your hands.” Many go up, while mine genuinely remains down because I know within that I had no passion, and I don’t need to lie to myself anymore.

But now, I have found passion in something—and that thing is human psychology. Before I found it as something I really want, I used to wonder if I was normal, lol. But I guess it’s never too late.
Just so I am clear, I have found my passion, but survival still comes first to me, and I believe it is natural as a human being.

I might look at people these days who are strictly business and have no passion but only want to make money, but I know one day I will do the same thing to survive. I just pray that I don’t get consumed by the need to survive and further by other things of this world, like social pressure and idolization of money.
I don’t want to get stuck doing something I do not enjoy doing for most of my life.
Right now, I don’t see immense wealth as a measurement for success, and I hope I can stay that way.

Some people lose the passion they have after a while and can’t remember why they started. Me? I haven’t even started, and I pray I do get to start—and I never forget.