Assassin Infiltrates Israel, Sees How Much Better It Is Than Iran, Abandons Mission

"What's the point of advancing the agenda of the Islamic Revolution if it can't deliver the goods the way Zionism has?"

Tel Aviv, August 4 - An Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps operative charged with gaining entry to the Jewish State and killing an important figure in the country's defense and security apparatus has decided not to follow through after all, the man disclosed today, now that he has spent several weeks here and has enjoyed it so much that he will never return to Iran.

The assassin, who for his own safety declined to give either his name or his alias, described his mission to secure a vantage point overlooking a sporting venue hosting a team of which the Israeli official is a known supporter, and strives to attend their games. Then, the would-be assassin explained, he would contact his handlers in the IRGC for procurement of the weaponry to conduct the assassination.

However, the man recalled, just a few days in Tel Aviv sufficed to disillusion him from any notion that the Islamic paradise of the ayatollahs could measure up to the style, food, cultural richness, and swank in Israel's White City.

"What's the point of advancing the agenda of the Islamic Revolution if it can't deliver the goods the way Zionism has?" he wondered. "At this point it's been almost five decades. It's no longer a 'revolution.' The mullahs are the establishment. The Man. The ultimate status quo. Like the Communists in China, or the Politburo right before the collapse of the Soviet Union. And Iran lags behind the Little Satan. Imagine how inferior it is to the Great Satan, and how little hope there is of victory. If your 'revolution' hasn't succeeded yet in all this time, you've lost."

"Iran under the mullahs is an intellectually dead place," he continued, his tone rising. "It took just a walk through downtown Tel Aviv to demonstrate to me the vibrancy and superiority of the culture here - and it's not even particularly Jewish. It's like other western cities, where I've operated, but more... intense. More compelling. I do want to know whom I have to kill to reduce the humidity here, though. That's unbearable."

Sources within the leaky-as-a-sieve IRGC indicated that this has happened at least eighty-five times before; analysts categorize it along with the broader pattern that developed during the Cold War, when Soviet agent after Soviet agent in the went realized the USSR could never supply its people with the level of luxury that even the lower-middle class enjoyed in the US, and simply defected.

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