The Pause That Built Me..... (CNF)

"So, after NYSC, what's next, enh Toyosi?" I heard my bunkmate ask me as he was busy folding his khaki into the box as if folding all that has held her down.

I glanced back to see he wasn't looking at me, so I just faked a smile to cover up my uncertainty. "Next you say, probably that big employment opportunity that has been waiting for me since I was born too," I responded, and we both burst into laughter.

But then, as the laughter rose high, in such a way it began to come down slowly; this time, it came down with my confidence.

I can tell you for free how the last day in service felt: it was as if you were watching a movie and you were almost at the end. I watched as everyone hugged each other goodbye. I saw the sad looks, the smiles, the various contact exchanges, and the various promises being exchanged. I just stood there, with my clearance letter in hand.

I got home, and there reality began hitting me. It didn't come with a rush; first there was a stop to my monthly allowance from the government since I had already completed my one-year service. Slowly, things began to change. One particular morning, my mom knocked at my door, opened it slightly, and asked, "Have you eaten?" I nod to give her a yes, then she asks another question that made me feel a little something: "What about that company? Any news yet?" I couldn't talk; I only shook my head to give her a no.

Honestly speaking, I lost count of the applications I sent out. And the response had always been the same... silence. "We will get back to you, sir." That's all I have been hearing, which is always followed by silence. A lot of times I would check my Gmail, messages, LinkedIn, and the like just with the hope that there's a positive response, but none. I watched my friends statuses and reels as they posted pictures and videos, already working in big organizations. I would just swipe, scroll, and just smile, but deep down I always felt like the only one who was still left behind, still in the past.

I had been using my WhatsApp to help reach out to people by encouraging, motivating, advising, and the like. So one Saturday evening, a message popped up on my WhatsApp.

"Sir, I have been seeing all that you do, encouraging, advising, and the like. I must commend you for that. But please, I need your help; I'm presently going through a hard time. Can I talk to you, please?"

I hesitated, then responded, "Of course, I'm here."

That night, we talked for hours. It wasn't as if I said much, not at all; I just listened and offered a few calm and encouraging words as he poured out a lot of things, and I understand how it is that everyone is definitely going through something, both the rich and poor, employed and unemployed.

At the end, he said, "Thanks bro, I don't know how best to say it, but you are gifted, sir."

I didn't think much of that particular word; I was just glad he felt better and was happy. It was later, after about a week, that he reached out to me, and he updated me on what we had discussed. He was doing very well now and had learned to see joy even in simple things.

That night, his words came back ringing into my heart: "You are gifted, sir." I couldn't sleep; I was just thinking about it. What gift is he talking about? This unemployed and broke guy—how is he gifted? I thought about it and concluded that maybe my words did count as something and were enough of a gift.

I didn't know where it came from, but the very next morning, as I would always do, I wrote on my WhatsApp status, "There are times a new chapter won't start with that new job, house, or relocation you were thinking of; there are times it starts with you just choosing to keep on going and never to look back or give up."

I didn't have much battery on my phone, so immediately after I posted it, my phone went off. It was until evening before I was able to get it charged. And by then, my chat was full. I started seeing various messages in my chat section....

"This is for me."

"Thanks for sharing this at a time like this."

"Toyosi, we need to talk"

"This spoke directly to me; do you read minds"

"Don't stop doing what you do"

And for the first few minutes, my heart was doing a back and forth. It wasn't as if I hadn't been getting feedback for some of my posts, but it wasn't much, very few, but this...it was just too much for me, and for the very first time since I started doing what I do, I felt really useful.

And that was how everything began; I began to write every single day. I began doing anonymous in case of those that didn't want to come straight or wanted to remain anonymous. There are a lot of times I would post an anonymous link, and some will still decide to come straight to my DM, including strangers.

There was a day I posted something; that was the first time I would post twice in a day. I usually post in the mornings, or sometimes at night, but that particular day, I posted in the morning, and at night, I don't know why, but my spirit wouldn't allow me, so I posted it and went to sleep. The following morning I woke up to a message from someone I've never talked to; we were only status viewers to each other. I was shocked to see her words.

"You just saved me tonight."

I stared at that message for minutes. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Not only that, but I and this lady haven't talked for over a year since she said she got my number from someone. She has never once responded to my Happy New Month messages, but here she is in my DM with these words. What could have been wrong? Would she have hurt herself? Could something have happened? I didn't even know which to settle for. I never knew I had stepped into my next chapter without realizing/noticing it.

Weeks turned into months, and still, nothing seems to be forthcoming from the applications I sent out. No offers came, but guess what? People came. People who needed a shoulder to lean/cry on, people who just needed a listening ear, people who needed someone to just tell them to keep on going, people who just wanted someone to tell them they are seen. And every time I stepped in for someone, I always felt something heal inside of me too. I do feel that comfort too.

One Saturday evening, I was just talking to a friend on the phone. It was supposed to be a conference call, but others had to opt out; they had deadlines and stuff to meet up with at work.

It was during our discussion that he threw in the question....

"But, my guy, how now? What are you doing now, or are you still waiting for some employment letter?" He said it in a joking manner.

So, I responded first with laughter, then added, "Yeah, I am still waiting, but now I take my time to write."

"Writing? Like, I don't understand?"

"Yeah, I now write motivational things; people talk to me, and I help them the little way I can. Also, there's this amazing platform I now write on as well, and God has been faithful."

"Wow, so this is your own next chapter?"

I smiled and responded to him, "Maybe. It's not that big, but then, it’s mine."

As I was retiring to bed that night, I thought about it. Was this really my next chapter? Yea, it didn't look like a big break, it didn't look like success, but I can't deny the fact that it felt like purpose.

Over time, I extend it to even start giving out to the kids and school children in my area, while doing the little I can randomly and anonymously as well. Helping others brought meaning to me, and as I kept on writing as well, I found my voice. That was how it went; little by little, it kept adding up, and my life stopped feeling like it was at a standstill.

I have people who still look at me and ask, "So, what's next for you?"

I would just smile and respond, "I'm already in my next chapter. The things I do, the people I help, what I share, my write-ups—all of that is my next chapter."

And of a truth, I've learned that new beginnings are different for everyone; for some of us, they're not meant to be loud. There are times they come in disguise, sometimes they come when you aren't even certain, and there are times they look small, but then... that's it.

I can't deny that mine came slowly, calmly, and quietly; it came through words, through people, and by helping. And believe me, it's something I wouldn't trade for anything.

All pictures are mine, second and fourth picture are a screenshot of my anonymous, while third and fifth are a screenshot of my WhatsApp status.

Thanks a lot for stopping by, kindly do well to stop by my blog for more exclusive and amazing content.