Today I will talk at length about a way of living life that not many people usually admit....Also, for as long as I can remember, the nihilistic view of life has been on my side.... And no, I'm not someone who is overly melodramatic or who worships self-pity. Nothing to see. In fact, what I am somewhat tired of, is pretending that everything has to be right all the time. There is a certain tendency nowadays to perceive the world from an idealistic, hopeful and full of "good vibes" point of view. As if it were enough just to wish for it....
Sorry, if you find this post too depressing, you can stop reading it. But here in this community I come to do what maybe I haven't done yet in HIVE: actually blogging, but in first person. Christmas is a season I love more now that I'm an adult than I used to. And not because I'm experiencing some sort of regression back to my childhood days, but because I see how happy my daughter is at this time of year and it moves me to tears. However, in my soul, in my being, there is an ever-present voice that does not let me (completely) throw myself into the magic of these dates. It is a ground wire that neutralizes any hint of excessive joy?
Now, what do I mean? Several things actually... Loneliness, to give just one example; it is an emotion that I swear to you, I can't remember when it has NOT been with me. It comes and goes, like waves, but it's always recurring.... The other time I went to do the week's shopping at the supermarket, and as soon as I got home, I went out to smoke a cigarette, and sat down on the sidewalk to stare at absolute nothingness, you know what I mean; only to end up crying for no apparent logical reason.
What surprised me most about that fact, was not that I cried, but that it felt good to do so.... I have dealt with this in psychology sessions with my therapist. And he digs into my past with his behavioral psychotherapy methods. He searches, like a mind detective, for the genesis of a philosophy that can become too overwhelming; in his opinion... Misfits, INXS, a little Alice in Chains and a lot of the great genius that was George Harrison are some of the influences in music that I often have at my disposal.
Now, what do I mean? Several things actually... Loneliness, to give just one example; it is an emotion that I swear to you, I can't remember when it has NOT been with me. It comes and goes, like waves, but it's always recurring.... The other time I went to do the week's shopping at the supermarket, and as soon as I got home, I went out to smoke a cigarette, and sat down on the sidewalk to stare at absolute nothingness, you know what I mean; only to end up crying for no apparent logical reason.
What surprised me most about that fact, was not that I cried, but that it felt good to do so.... I have dealt with this in psychology sessions with my therapist. And he digs into my past with his behavioral psychotherapy methods. He searches, like a mind detective, for the genesis of a philosophy that can become too overwhelming; in his opinion... Misfits, INXS, a little Alice in Chains and a lot of the great genius that was George Harrison are some of the influences in music that I often have at my disposal.
A cup of latte, in a family-themed restaurant; the silhouette of the blurred reflection of a house that looks gloomy on a rainy autumn day; a can of beer at 02:00 a.m. after writing and writing; all in an existence that is indifferent towards our longings.... And the fact is, think about it. In no more than 3 generations, everything we have ever been, everything, will be absolutely erased and little or nothing will matter. From my point of view, it is the "reset" that nature has, even physics, I would say, to keep entropy in order. A chaos that our human mind understands little or nothing...
The photographs used in this post, have been taken by me and are of my authorship.
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